Happy Hump Day! It is SO hot and dry here this week. Yesterday was the first time since I've been here that the thermometer hit triple digits, and it doesn't look like it's going to break any time soon. That isn't surprising to me in any way, but what is surprising is how windy and dusty El Paso is. I constantly have to hold down my skirt or dress when I'm walking around, and last night I noticed that all my shoes are covered in a considerable layer of dirt even though I've only walked on paved streets since I've been here. It's pretty gross, especially when I can't get rid of the feeling that my throat and nose are covered in a dusty film.
Anyway, one of the major challenges I'm facing here is that I'm meeting lots of people who are involved in the non-profit/activism world in El Paso, and I kind of have an inferiority complex because I feel like my work is much less valuable than theirs. Of course that's one of the hazards of doing full-time research, and I know that I'm exactly where I need to be. I'm super passionate about access to quality healthcare, and it's a major issue, especially here on the border, but I'm not going to get any immediate gratification by seeing progress from my hard work.
It's interesting because when I was working as a full-time Mercy Volunteer in 2010-2011 at the Good Samaritan Clinic in Savannah, I constantly felt like I was on one of those hamster wheels, just running in circles. I was seeing immediate results, but they all seemed somewhat inconsequential. I successfully got free and reduced cost specialty medical care and prescription medications for many people, and the clinic provided very high-quality primary care at no cost, regardless of individuals' documentation status. This is all good stuff, and I know that the clinic has made a huge difference in the lives of many of our patients. But we didn't have the capacity to address why people were stuck in a cycle of vicious poverty and discrimination, nor could we do anything to advance the system so that more people had access to healthcare. We were putting a proverbial Band-aid on an issue that was extremely complicated by state and federal policies. And this frustrated me. No matter how many patients I worked with one-on-one, I knew there would be a million more who weren't able to access the care they needed, and frankly, there was nothing I could do about it other than work my butt off for the people right in front of me.
Now I'm in a position to work at a level that is higher than a clinic, and I find that I miss seeing results. I hope there's a way to strike a balance between staying in touch with the struggles that individuals face while also working towards broader changes that will affect many more people than I'll ever meet. Maybe this is ridiculously idealistic and naive, but that potential is what is getting me out of bed every morning.
Anyway, I digress. Since I've been in El Paso, I've had the opportunity to hang out with Border Servant Corps volunteers and Jesuit Volunteers. I also live with a former Annunciation House volunteer, and my landlord is a former Maryknoll Lay Missioner. They are all extremely passionate about social justice issues and have allowed me to join them in some of their ministry. For example, I've been going to the Comité de Justicia Laboral, which is an incredible community organization that works to recover unpaid wages in El Paso. As part of this, I also went to a teleconference on Sunday afternoon with people all around the country working for different social issues. This is such a good way for me to get to know the community (especially men, since my research project is obviously only with women). I'm slowly learning about the social service organizations here and about the unique issues that El Paso faces as a very poor border city. It's making me feel more grounded, especially since I've spent a lot of time sitting in front of a computer looking at data and reading articles lately.
I had a good conversation with my friend Tom about this stuff recently, and he pointed out to me that there's a reason that professionals continue to volunteer their free time working with community organizations. I know that he's right, and I guess I'm just yearning to feel connected both here on the border and back in Atlanta. And I'm obviously super impatient.
Last night, a Carmelite priest named Peter came over and we chatted for several hours. He's been living in Ciudad Juárez for 17 years with a Sister of Mercy named Betty. They are extremely passionate about human rights and have spent the greater part of their lives around Latin America (my estimate is that Peter is about 80 years old). Oh, and Peter's good friends with Gustavo Gutierrez...you know, no big deal. I initially felt embarrassed to tell him that I'm working with the CDC on a study; it would have felt way cooler to say that I'm starting a revolution or something. But then I remembered that, just like we need socially-conscious people like him in the Catholic Church, we also need socially-conscious people working for government organizations.
Okay, so clearly I'm writing this to convince myself of what I'm saying here. If anyone has thoughts, I'd love to hear them! And if you've read this far, thank you! I know this is an obnoxiously long post, but it's really helpful for me to externally process some of what is going on in my mind these days!
Great post, Carla :) I think continuing to struggle with that balance is really vital. Glad that you are finding contexts to do so. Rock on, friend :)
ReplyDeleteCarla, I think this post epitomizes why I consider you such a close friend. I have struggled with these same issues over the years, and I have come to the conclusion that while these are important concerns, what is most important is to use our uncertainty, our feelings of insufficiency, and our passion for justice to continue to fight for a more equitable, healthy, and just world. Have you ever read Dorothy Day? I read her autobiography The Long Loneliness several years ago and found it extremely inspiring, and relevant to this conversation. Although I do not necessarily advocate giving your entire life to one cause, as Dorothy Day does, there need to be passionate, caring people battling these problems from every possible angle: both in the actual provision of services and in creating policies that may reduce the inequity. You are not alone in your struggle to decide which angle will be more effective, nor do I think there is a correct choice. I find personally that doing the direct patient care keeps me motivated to improve policy, and helps to develop my opinions about what kind of policies would be helpful or necessary. I wish you the best of luck, and cant wait to hear more about your summer!
ReplyDelete-Katherine